How to improve your digital health

A school application got me thinking about my relationship with my phone

I have just filled out the application form for our son’s secondary school place next September, and it’s dawning on me that we are on the precipice of a Big Life Change. 

Not to be dramatic, but isn’t this the end of innocence?

From what I’ve heard, the transition from the safe, supportive environment of primary school to the wild west of secondary school, can be… challenging. And personally, I remember it being scary, destabilising and depressing. There was a real sense of: is this what life is like??

(I did go to a particularly rough secondary school, and it was the 1990s, so I’m sure my son’s experience will be better in many ways.)

But there is one thing my generation didn’t have to deal with, which his generation does, and that’s having the internet in your pocket.  

I’ve heard all of the arguments against allowing your Year 7 child to have a smartphone: increasing the risk of cyberbullying, causing anxiety over likes and followers, reducing face-to-face interaction, causing loss of quality sleep, etc etc. 

I’ve heard that all those Silicon Valley tech bros (who know better than us the damage these devices can cause) don’t allow their kids to have smartphones. And I applaud the Smartphone-Free Childhood campaign for trying to do something about it.

But I also have friends with older kids who tell me there is just no way around it. The homework is accessible through apps, which it’s much easier to have on the child’s own device. And there’s an app through which classmates communicate with each other so, if you don’t have a smartphone, then you’re not part of that community. 

I don’t want my son to be left out, but equally I don’t want him to get sucked into phone addiction too soon.

I don’t know what the answer is here. But I do know one thing: our kids will not learn good digital habits unless we, as parents, are demonstrating them at home. We won’t be setting them up for good digital health if…

❌ they see our phones out at the dinner table.

❌ they see me with one eye on Instagram while we’re watching a movie.

❌ they see me constantly filming/taking photos rather than being in the moment.

❌ they see me check emails while they’re telling me about something that happened at school.

Maybe we should be thinking less about keeping our kids away from phones, and more about learning to use them responsibly. After all, smartphones are a part of life, for all of us. There’s no point depriving children of something that all their friends have, when surely that will only make them more desirable, which could potentially lead to less-healthy behaviours towards smartphone usage in the future.  

I think it would be better to set rules from the very beginning: 

✅ It’s rude to use your phone while talking to another person in real life.

✅ No phones at the table.

✅ Phones are put away before bedtime as they can disrupt sleep.

I’m not saying I do all of this perfectly. Far from it. My son has certainly come downstairs for a glass of water after being tucked in, only to find me sprawled on the sofa, doomscrolling, despite having just reminded him not to look at a screen close to bedtime. But it’s something I’m working on.

Then there is online conduct; the ways in which it’s acceptable to communicate with others through messaging apps. I love this guide from Sarah Gallagher Trombley, particularly this tip: “Type messages like your mum is going to read them.”

One thing I do to manage our screen time is read physical books and subscribe to print magazines. When my kids and I are reading at home (as we sometimes do over dinner, if it’s just the three of us) then I don’t like to look at a screen while they’re wholesomely flicking through their copies of The Week Junior or What on Earth Magazine. I subscribe to Grazia and The New Scientist (reflecting my spectrum of interests here) and I love having a physical magazine to flick through with the kids. It’s calm and nourishing, and mostly silent, but sometimes we read things out to each other, with no blue light or clickbait headlines.

In last week’s New Scientist, I was interested to read Michael Marshall’s article on new research showing that the benefits of avoiding social media (in terms of sleep, self-esteem and emotional well-being) might be overblown. Psychologists at Ghent University in Belgium found that restricting social media use had little effect on these measures. 

After all, there are plenty of benefits of being online.

The breast cancer community that I found on Instagram after my diagnosis supported me through so many aspects of treatment with practical advice, but also empathy and solidarity, helping me feel less alone.

Pre-smartphones, one of my best friends moving to New York might have meant that we’d lose touch, whereas now we can send regular voice note updates to each other across the Atlantic.

When it comes to my kids’ school, class WhatsApp groups have helped enormously with getting to know other parents - and also being reminded about things like school photo day.

If you let an 11-year-old have full access to YouTube and TikTok then, yes, they will probably see some dark stuff, and potentially get dragged into the approval-seeking feedback loop of social media.

But I’m hoping that, if we set clear boundaries from the outset and - importantly - model them ourselves at home, then maybe starting them young and keeping an open dialogue about it can support them in learning to have better digital health.

And I’m hoping it’ll do the same for us as adults, too.

I’m really interested to know how others are handling this transition, please do let me know if you have tips!

This week I’m…

A bit obsessed with Mel B’s pivot to Zumba.

Recommending Dr Lucy McBride’s breast cancer explainer for anyone with concerns about their risk (yes, it’s STILL Breast Cancer Awareness Month).

Taking the kids to The Week Junior Book Festival next week, and quite excited to see my daughter’s face when she sees Cressida Cowell in real life.

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