I discovered Gretchen Rubin’s podcast, Happier, when I was on my first maternity leave. The combination of doable tips on how to be happier and healthier, along with the easy familiarity of Gretchen and her sister (and co-host) Elizabeth, had me hooked - I’ve barely missed an episode since.
Her Four Tendencies framework helped me understand myself, and others, much better. You can do the quiz here to find out if you’re an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel. Note: I was initially resistant to this quiz, thinking there’s no way that people fit into four simple categories - it turns out that I’m a Questioner and doubting the point of online quizzes is part of who I am!
This year, Gretchen celebrates her podcast’s 10th anniversary (and my son is off to secondary school in September, gah) so she felt like the perfect person to help me launch an audio off-shoot of Well Well Well.
So many people believe that being healthy is boring, so I’m on a mission to find fun ways to feel good. One of the things I love about Happier is that it’s all about things that work for you, rather than forcing yourself to do something you hate (eg. cold water swimming or marathon running) just because other ‘healthier’ people rave about it.
There are lots of ways to be healthy and, as I always say, it’s only good for you if you enjoy it.
We talked about this, and much more. If you prefer to read than listen, I have summarised the takeaways from Gretchen below…
There is no one correct way to be healthy (or do anything)
“When I look back on my frame of mind when I wrote The Happiness Project, I did think: there's a right way, a best way, to be happy. Now I understand that there is no one best way. We're all different. Should you get up and exercise first thing in the morning? Maybe if you're a morning person; probably not if you're a night person. People often suggest working out with friends to make it more fun but, for an introvert, that’ll just make it more exhausting. It's about self knowledge, much more than about trying to figure out one right way that we could all agree on.
Even people's idea of what is fun is very different. For example, I'm somebody who does not naturally exercise. And people have often said to me: make it fun, play a game! But what I finally realised is: I don't like games. So the idea that I would exercise more if I joined a pickup basketball game is exactly the wrong advice for me.”
It’s not enough to want to do something, you have to actually do it
“Don’t conflate your desire for an outcome, with your willingness to do things to achieve that outcome. People think that, if they want the outcome, their actions will follow. From my observation, there's no connection. So I’d put aside the word ‘motivation’ and instead think about: how can I get myself to do the thing?
For a Questioner, the key is information so, if they know they’re doing the best approach, in the most efficient way, then behaviour follows. But if you're an Obliger (the biggest tendency for both men and women), you need outer accountability. So they have to work out with a trainer, or with a friend who’d be annoyed if they don't show up, or pay for a class if they care about losing money. There's a million ways to create outer accountability when you know that's what you need.”
To implement a healthy habit, try the strategy of pairing
“This is where you take a habit that you want yourself to do, and pair it with something that you either love to do, or have no choice about doing. Back in college, I decided that I would only take a shower on a day that I exercise. So I'd go a day, maybe two, without a shower, but by the third day, I'm gonna exercise because I want to take that shower. Or if you have a podcast that you love, or a TV show that's your guilty pleasure, maybe you can only watch or listen while you’re on the treadmill. And so it's not a reward, it's just that they only go together.”
Work out if you’re an abstainer or a moderator
“Abstainers are people who, when facing a strong temptation, find it easier to have none. They're all or nothing. Like, they have no cookies, or eight cookies. They don't have half a cookie. Whereas moderators get panicky and rebellious if they're told they can never have something. So they do better if they have a bit of something.
People often say: everything in moderation, follow the 80/20 rule, don’t say that certain things are off limits… But I realised that’s too hard for me. It's far easier for me to give something up altogether than to indulge in moderation. 12 years ago, I quit sugar, because it’s harder for me to manage my sweet tooth than it is to completely give up sugar. But the people who are able to have half a piece of chocolate at a time, they say: have some chocolate, you should be able to enjoy it without having more, it's not right for you to deny yourself. Then it’s confusing because you're like, this isn't working for me, and yet I'm being told that the way that I'm behaving is wrong. What's wrong with me? Why am I not an adult? Why can't I be like other people?
I just assumed that I was the only abstainer in the world. And then I read something from Samuel Johnson. Somebody offered him wine, and Dr. Johnson said: ‘Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult.' That’s when I realised I'm not the only one who's all or nothing. Then, when you're not distracted by all these things that people say you should be doing, you can think about: what's right for me?”
Listen to Happier with Gretchen Rubin
Buy The Happiness Project, Better Than Before, The Four Tendencies, and Life in Five Senses
This week I’m…
Soft decluttering - it’s the mindful drinking of spring cleaning, no dramatic purging required
Shocked to learn that women's health experts and femtech businesses are routinely banned and censored on social media, but heartened to see the amazing work that CensHERship is doing around this
Feeling overwhelmed with advice about optimising sleep ahead of World Sleep Day this Friday, the mere thought of ‘sleepmaxxing’ is enough to keep me awake
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